Trying to get a drunk girl to finish is like trying to take a drunk girl home when she can’t remember where she lives. She’s like, ‘That’s not it, that’s not it, that’s not it.’
Original post by Comedy Central
Sports Funnies!
If it doesn’t make you laugh at your game…you probably need to increase your medication
Jon Lajoie: Bought a Car
I bought a car last week. Well, by ‘bought’ I mean ‘poisoned’ and by ‘car’ I mean ‘my neighbor’s dog.’
Original post by Comedy Central
Shane Mauss: Freakishly Skinny
I’ve been freakishly skinny my entire life because there’s a hole in my butt.
Original post by Comedy Central
Pete Holmes: Not a Manly Guy
I’m not a manly guy, I’m not one of those guys like, ‘Oh yeah, let’s go eat some ham on the bone!’ Further illustrated by the fact that that’s my example of what men are doing.
Original post by Comedy Central
Sinbad: Climb Mountains
Black people start making money and want to do stuff we would never do. Want to climb mountains. It’s right there, you ain’t got to climb it, you got a house. Why you gotta go outside and climb a rock?
Original post by Comedy Central
Sinbad: Lying to Women
You keep asking me questions that you know I have to lie at. ‘Do I look fat?’ ‘Nah, no.’ If you wasn’t fat, you wouldn’t have asked. That’s why you asked the question. Skinny people don’t say, ‘Do I look fat?’ Skinny people say, ‘Do you want to eat? Would you like to have a sandwich?’
Original post by Comedy Central
Sinbad: Obama Is for Everybody
The world’s gone crazy. You got people mad that we got a black president; but he’s half white. We claimed our half, y’all get yours. There’s some for everybody. He’s got some for everybody.
Original post by Comedy Central
Charlie Murphy: 6.5 Billion People on the Planet
To put that number in perspective, 6.5 billion people is so many people that anything that’s humanely imaginable, as you imagine it, somewhere on the planet, there is a motherf**ker doing it.
Original post by Comedy Central
Rob Riggle: Now That Obama Is President
Now that he is our president, I think it’s time we as a nation just took a deep breath and collectively just said out loud, ‘O.J. killed those people.’ It feels good.
Original post by Comedy Central
Pete Holmes: I Love New York
There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that it’s impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. Think about that, that’s true. ‘Cause you can hear anything, at any hour — there’s always something to blame it on.
Original post by Comedy Central